Die Hornets, DIE!!

******WARNING: SUSI DO NOT READ. TOPIC CONCERNS DEATH OF INSECTS.**********

It's so strange...I don't know when this family of hornets built their new home right above my front doorstep, but I found out about it soon enough when one of them flew out of its hole and stung me on the back of my neck. I was leaving for work and said "Ow! SHIT! Owie, owie, owie!!!" I'm sure my neighbours thought that I had completely lost it this time. I ran back in the house (through the back door of course), and grabbed a frozen bottle of water and held it to the back of my neck.

Very quickly, the pain faded and I didn't feel anything at all. I think I have some sort of pain resistance to bee stings, wasp stings, and the like -- I was stung by wasps about a dozen times last year while riding my bike. The little suckers would ping off my left shoulder while I was in aero, leaving my arm dotted withe various sizes of stings. They would burn like hell for about 5 minutes, then would be fine. I only wish that this resistance worked for mosquito and spider bites -- MAN!!! I am still shaking my head at the spider bite that turned into a big blister and then popped on its own... ECCCHHHH. That bite was so itchy, I thought I would go crazy. But I digress...

I am so grossed out by killing bugs, that I decided to call in the big guns: My Dad. Mike had just left for work, and my Dad is the next male kin on my panic call out list. LOL!! My Dad couldn't come over right away, however, so I was forced to use the back patio door for the next couple of days. But, my dogs and cats refused to adjust to this new system. When they want in the front door, they make all sorts of bally-hoo to get in. No amount of treats or sweet-talk could prevail so I was extra careful when opening and closing the front door.

I immediately noticed that when I let any of the babies out, the hornets remained in their nest. I have to mention that the nest was positioned right smack dab in the middle of the porch, so if you were to look up when you stepped out of the front, you would be looking right into the hole of the nest -- or as I liked to call it: THE HEART OF DARKNESS.

So, being the way I am, I decided to conduct a little experiment. I wondered if the hornets darted out of their hole only when humans came out the door, or if they would dart out of the darkness because an object was in close proximity to their nest. I swung the door open, so that the door passed beneath the hole, but no hornets emerged. The next time Diva wanted outside, I pulled my shirt up to cover my head, and crouched down and ran out with her. I looked back and sure enough this big hornet had shot down through the hole. Thus, my empirical evidence indicates that hornets like man-flesh and are not concerned about swinging doors close to their nest.

Yes, a riveting few days I had, I know. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

As my friend Jason would say -- To make a long story longer...I made my Mom dinner later that evening (my Dad was working late) and she decided to leave by the front door. Well, a hornet came shooting out of the hole -- it dropped like a freaking bomb!! It buzzed around my Mom's hair and then stung her on her wrist as she tried to swat it away. That was it for my Dad -- NOBODY messes with "his lady!!"

The next day, he proudly showed me this huge can of hornet spray he had purchased from the hardware store. In typical Dad-fashion, he explained that this particular can of spray ended up costing him over $65.00! I peered closely at the $8.99 price tag and then my Dad laughingly explained that because he was in the hardware store, he HAD to buy some new-fangled tool...hence the expenditure. LOL!! He told me he would come by later that evening when all the hornets were tucked away for the night...Muahahahahahahaha!

It was about 9:30pm when my Dad showed up, armed with the can of spray. I watched from the closed screen door as he unleashed a stream of poison into their abode. He saturated their nest and then decided to do it again. "TAKE THAT, YOU FILTHY BUGGERS!" he said as he gleefully sprayed the hell out of that nest. It was like a fire hose.

I felt a strange mix of sadness at how this beautiful creation of nature was being decimated by man, and satisfaction that those suckers were going to be gone for good. I know, I'm weird!! LOL!!

The next morning, I looked up when I opened the front door and saw a number of hornet corpses poking through the nest hole. I think all their little bodies collapsed one on top of the other and congested the hole so that either their head or bums were protruding. Either way, I was feeling sickened by the sight, and of course I HAD to keep looking at it. UGH. My Dad was really busy again, and so I had to suffer the death trap hanging above my door for the next two days.

FINALLY, my Mom came by this morning with a bread bag and a knife. She cleaned up the remnants -- THANK GOD!!

R.I.P.
The Hornets of Frank
Summer of 2008
A brief life in a brief season.
We will remember...