Grief, numbness, autopilot

On our way to Toby's swimming hole...

Can't believe it's only been a week and a half since Toby's diagnosis. She is deteriorating so fast, it scares me. Mike and I opted not to go the chemo route. She is 12 years old and the thought of driving back and forth to Calgary (2.5 hours each way) makes no sense when all we want to do is make her as comfortable as possible.

I've done a bit of research on the internet and joined a canine cancer internet forum. Here is what I've learned: Carbs feed cancer, high protein diet is great. My vet has told me to feed my Toby girl whatever she wants. Her new diet obviuosly agrees with her -- from wasting away and refusing to eat her dog food, she is in all her glory now. She gained 0.7 kg last week. :)

Toby's new gourmet diet

I've been avoiding phone calls, contact with anyone as I just can't keep it together emotionally. As soon as someone is kind to me and asks about Toby, I break down.

As a family, we've been really busy having some good times with Toby this past week. Taking her to her favourite swimming hole, lots of walks....we even threw her a birthday party. She LOVES snapping and jumping at a burning sparkler. And howling with us as we all sang happy birthday to her. :)

But interspersed in these moments of happiness are hidden daggers of pain that pierce my heart....

Like the last day I took Toby running with me -- it was only for 10 minutes after my bike ride, but she couldn't keep up at all. Not even when I was going REALLY slow. I kept running on the spot, then running back to her. My heart broke that afternoon, and as I was running/jogging up the highway home I was crying the whole way.

At her birthday party, she had to stop jumping at the sparkler as she fatigued so quickly.

This morning, when eating a meaty treat, her paws kept slipping on the hardwood floor and she couldn't support herself...I moved her treat out to the living carpet so she could gain purchase,

How can anyone keep it together?

I love you, little dog.

So, every day is a real struggle for Mike and I.

Add this to my last hard week of training and then taper time, and I have been an emotional wreck. But, whether it be functioning on auto pilot or relying heavily on Mike or my Mom and Dad, I've managed to get through. The weird thing about all this, is that I'll be laughing and playing with Toby one second, and the very next second I'll be in tears. I've been sleeping even more than usual (which will alarm those who know me) to take the edge off the exhaustion from crying all the time. WHEW BOY. Heavy, heavy stuff.

Mike, Toby, and me :)

I do have a funny triathlon related story for you all, however...

At the Penticton camp, Sara appeared horrified when I told her, "I don't ride over cattle guards. I walk my bike over them." "WHAT?!?!?!?!" was the response I think. Hahahahahahaha! You see, around these parts, there is only one cattle guard I cross and it is WAY out in the booners. I maintain that if I were to ride across it and something happened, I would be poop out of luck and waiting for a ride from some fisherman. (And for my other buddies that would LOVE to point out how this is yet another reason to buy a cell phone, there ain't no service up in those parts, y'all. LOL!!)

If you look really close, these signs also say, "If your name is
Julie, time to get off your bike."

So, last Saturday, I was 1:12 into my 6 hour ride when I reached the cattle guard. Now this cattle guard is a screwball sort of one too (of COURSE it is, I mean everything is odd about where I live! Hahaha!).

It has a bunch of long skinny metal pieces where a car's tires could go -- but these pieces are very, very skinny, like the width of my tire. Not like some of the other cattle guard or Texas Gates where they have wider pieces where if I grew some balls, I might one day try and ride across...

(Which leads me to another tangential thought...What is the difference between a Texas Gate and a cattle guard? I've seen signs for both of them. Texas Gate almost sounds like a pejorative term....LOL! I feel almost guilty and sheepish writing about it in case a fellow reader says, "They call cattle guards Texas Gates in Alberta!! How racist! Or discriminatory or whatever!! LOL!)

To cross this particular cattle guard, I walk sort of sideways on the long skinny pieces whilst carrying my bike. I often imagine myself walking over a ladder on the Khumbu Icefall on my way up Everest......Yes, the thoughts that go through my brain are always very interesting!

I was taking my last step when my cleat got caught between the skinny pieces and part of it snapped off. Oh shit. I looked down and the first thought that popped into my head was, "So much for my excuse to Coach Sara about not riding over cattle guards!"

The next thought was, "I am only 1:12 into this 6 hour ride."

But lo and behold, I could still clip in. I was a lucky l'il bugger!

I went up to Calgary yesterday and got new cleats on both my shoes -- I don't want to take any chances at IMC.

I leave you with this.....

Here's a quick video of how Peanut is ALWAYS jumping on my back. When I come back from a bike ride, she'll even jump on despite the fact I still have my helmet on....What a cat.

Sad News

My baby dog, Toby just turned 12. I found out this afternoon she has lymphoma and about two months to live.

We are putting her on some steroids and taking each day as a gift.

Mike and his son brought home a big meaty bone from Wal-Mart for her.

I took her out on a super long walk and swim in the creek. She's really skinny but doing great. Tail is wagging, and she is sprinting all around.

Man, what am I going to do without her?

I'm going off the grid for a little while...

Calgary 70.3 - A great training day!!

I get a real kick out of using races as training days....my own personal aid stations -- cheering spectators, and friends racing/training alongside you. :) :)

Last year the Calgary 70.3 was a tough training day -- I had missed three weeks of training due to The Cold From Hell, and Coach Sara used the race as a great fitness booster.

This year, the race was serving a similar purpose -- only this time I have not been ill but have an Ironman under my belt and a sold training camp too!

As in any race, I am racing against myself, and a training day or not, I always harbour the secret goal of earning a new PB. I knew I was going to have a really, really good chance at it, since last year I literally did nothing for the three weeks prior to the race except cough, sleep, and spit up mucous.

This year, I also decided to use the race as an Ironman tune-up race prep. Nutrition was bang on. YAY! Electrolytes, bang on. Another yay! Another goal I had for myself for this race was to not let drafting packs suck me in and annoy me. For the first time (ever!) when a pack wold go by and then slow down or get congested, I would slow down and keep my distance. I would either soft pedal or if I was in aero, I would sit up and let the wind resistance slow me down.

And it worked!!! I didn't get stressed at all about drafters this race. Another yay! When I would feel the familiar tickle of annoyance, I would sit up and pee or drink or eat or whatever, and then say the words "Fluffy Bunnies." Immediately, I would relax. :) :)

When I owned the dollar store, I used to sell these Easter gift bags that had the cutest picture of fluffy baby bunnies on them. Thinking of how cute they are just relaxes me instantly. I also think of the time I went to the Calgary pet fair and held a little bunny. :) :) :)

So, all in all, I took off 21 minutes from last year's time -- more importantly, Coach Sara was pleased with where my fitness is at - that she wasn't expecting me to finish that soon! YAY!!

The race has kick started my final big block of training for Ironman Canada. :) :) :) I'm right back into training today and have a solid week ahead of me and I feel stronger and stronger! I am soooo excited for IMC this year!!!! :) :) :)

Wednesday is a hilly ride....Highwood Pass anyone? ;)

Would you like a tomato with your bike tune up?

YES PLEASE! LOL!!

Yesterday, a plate of fresh home-grown tomatoes (sliced and peppered) awaited me at The Tuck Shop. I had emailed Gord telling him I would be coming over to see him immediately after swimming. I had wolfed down a nut/seed/raisin bar but was still hungry....

When I saw that plate of fresh tomatoes and two toothpicks -- I was in heaven! LOL!! We did a *cheers* with our toothpicks and dug in. Gord must have seen the look of hunger still on my face, because he disappeared into the house and brought out a heated Greek-seasoned chicken breast. YUM!!! That hit the spot!!

All that AND I got my race wheels, brake pads, and bike tuned up! A girl can't go wrong with that eh? :) :)

I returned from the Penticton camp on Sunday -- as usual, the coaches pushed me to my limits and beyond -- and I learned so much about myself.

I had a hard time emotionally at the camp though --- Friday we found out Kerry had committed suicide. Saturday I left for Penticton. Sigh. When I arrived in Penticton, everywhere I looked I saw Kerry.

I was the first to arrive at the beach for an easy swim. Usually, Kerry was ALWAYS the first one to arrive anywhere. I had to do a double take when I saw a big red truck with Alberta plates drive into the parking lot.

I dove into the camp sessions with gusto, but there were a number of examples where it was obvious Kerry's death was really impacting me...

For example: I showed up for our bike ride without my bike shoes. Everyone was forced to wait for me as I had to drive back to my condo and back to the meeting spot. Of course the condo was on the other side of town so they were all waiting 30 minutes for me!!!! I felt TERRIBLE!!!

Then, when I finally returned, I couldn't find a parking space...I finally found one and then ran over to the group....Only to realize I had left my helmet in the trunk. Sigh.

There are only so many times one can apologize and everyone was so good and I felt like such a total shit!!!

Ahhhh well. Thank goodness our camp was filled with kind, caring, awesome people. Thank you everyone for putting up with me!

Now, enough of feeling sorry for myself! As a good blogger friend emailed me....I might be down for a while, but soon enough, I'll pop up again like a cork. Thanks for that image, Ken. :) :)

Therefore, without further ado, may I present to you "Julie's highlights of Penticton Phat Camp 2010"

1. Volunteering at the local Olympic/Sprint triathlon as a kick off to our camp....I was paired with local team mate and good friend Tessa. We were in charge of blocking/directing traffic in and out of the Tim Horton's. As the race dragged on and there were fewer and fewer racers, we started taking pictures of each other *posing* with out neon vests and our traffic flags. LMAO!!!!

2. Biking for 3.5 hour (hilly!) with extremely sore legs....and realizing I could do it! You know how when your legs are sore from a previous day's workout and you can barely walk down the stairs? Well, my legs were that sore. I reached the section where coach Sara would tell me to do the longer or the shorter route. She told me, "I don't care if your legs are sore. Are you feeling woozy at all?" Even in the 35 degree heat, I was woozy free, so I trucked on the longer route. Couldn't believe I did it!!

3. Swimming so slow near the end of the camp, that my coach was worried about me out in the lake! LOL!!! When I get fatigued, swimming is the first thing that goes, and for me, it's like I am barely moving. LMAO!!!!

4. Complete and utter disappointment at the Pasta Factory in Penticton. I was totally craving a real proper spaghetti with meat sauce with melted cheese on top and what I got was the blandest most disgusting gut bomb ever. I went there again the next night and ordered a different dish -- still bland and gross. Ahhhh, Tomato Street, how I miss thee.........

5. The bike bottle rodeo. Coach Sara saw just how much work I need on my bike handling skills. LOL!! Good news, is that since I've been home, I set up my own bike bottle rodeo in the high school parking lot and PICKED UP MY VERY FIRST BOTTLE OFF THE GROUND as I rode by!!! YAHOOOOO!!!!! I can't wait to start picking up the little bottles next!!!

6. I couldn't believe I could push myself so much after doing Ironman Coeur D'Alene. I know I am fitter, but I had no idea that I would be able to do a proper camp 3 weeks after an Ironman. Man! This was a big eye-opener for me.

Well, that's it for now. I've got to repair some holes in my wetsuit, pack up, and then race the Calgary 70.3 on Sunday. :)

By the way, Coach Sara gave me the go ahead for the Silverman iron distance tri in November!!!!! YES!!!!!! :) :) :) :)

A Tribute to Kerry

Coach Sara wrote a wonderful post over on her blog in memory of Kerry.

I have always admired those people who have the ability to use language to really get their feelings across. Sara is one of those people. I am so grateful that her post has given a voice to my own feelings about Kerry.

Kerry Enick Update......

******** UPDATE*********


His body has been identified.




The article says "Body Found Near River" and then has a picture of Kerry smiling below it....

http://www.cbc.ca/canada/calgary/story/2010/07/15/calgary-missing-kerry-enick-inglewood-truck.html

My prayers are with his wife and his family.

Last night, I had a hard time sleeping -- talking with fellow teammates and trying to process this...

Kerry Enick -- Still Missing

Mercury Rising Triathlon teammate Kerry Enick (from Calgary) has been missing since last Wednesday, July 7. The police have now found his red truck, but are still looking for Kerry.

City of Calgary Newsroom Link: http://newsroom.calgary.ca/pr/calgary/seeking-public-assistance-163831.aspx



Kerry is a fixture in the Calgary triathlon community. Everyone either knows him or knows of him -- if you have ANY info at all....any tips, maybe you think you have seen him, please call the police!!!!!

I am so worried for him --- I've been praying and praying for his safe return.

Please come home safely, Kerry!!!!!!!